The Rant Episodes

EP. 2

NOV. 14th

Imagine my not so subtle disbelief and utter shock when I found out that my now ex-boyfriend is “getting to know someone”. 

3 weeks after we break up and you're getting to know someone already?

 I know that sounded crazy controlling and clingy and conceded. Yes, I am the one who broke up with him. And YES, he absolutely deserves happiness however he chooses to find it. And I get it, people heal and move on at different paces, fine.

But it feels, just slightly, like in order for you to have already found someone else to “get to know”, you must’ve already had eyes on them, right? Or knew you had a chance or had been talking to them already?

I couldn't wear makeup for my first week at a new job, because I couldn’t stop crying, sporadically and randomly, but full-on breakdown sobbing, all through that first week we were broken up. And even now, that it's been a month, I would feel completely and utterly shell-shocked if a guy approached me, because how could I start talking to someone else and “getting to know” them when I’m still fucking crying over you.

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I guess, it just infuriates me that I waited so long to date, waiting for the “right person” or at least a good person. And I feel completely betrayed and lied to and tricked… Props to you babe, I really did fall for the whole nine yards. I fell for every single fucking word, and it worked out okay for you didn’t it?

Nothing changed for you. I’m just another name on the list. I wasn’t monumental or any of your firsts.

No. I’m happy for him. I really really am. I wanted him to move on quickly, I had hoped that he would. I had hoped that he would because I wanted the ability to be mad at him- so, I guess that might not count. But my prayers were answered, I think. Now, that I'm done crying and losing sleep and not eating, I get to be mad.

I was cheated out of a good thing. With a boy, I shouldn’t have trusted so suddenly and blindly.

I know. I know. But I can be grateful and hateful at the same time, I’m a woman. 

A young woman, but a woman nonetheless. One who fell for childish things, like potential and pretty words. God, I feel so stupid and used.

That's the fun part here, feeling so many conflicting emotions simultaneously.

I knew we weren’t gonna work out, I broke us up. I felt hurt and angry with myself and wanted him to be angry and not hurt, I hoped that he would move on quickly and give me something to be mad about, something to get over him with slightly more ease. But, now that he has, I can’t stand the ideas in my head. The feeling of even the possibility that those were his intentions the whole time, that he’s had his eyes on this new girl for weeks, the possibility that they were already talking.

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I hope, that in reading this, women find their strength. I feel isolated, but I know I’m not alone in these feelings or in this experience. These conflicting emotions are normal. The anxiety and the overthinking, the worrying, it’s all normal. Especially for women, because we overthink and worry about EVERYTHING on God’s green earth and further.

I miss our memories. But, he’s a totally different person to me.

I miss feeling secure in myself. I’m working on getting that back.

I’m hurt and angry, and I also really do want the best for him.

But also, I wanna wash my hands of us entirely and forget about him.

I really do feel like I’m losing my mind. If I wasn’t convinced this was normal, I’d probably be a lot worse off. It’s a lot of mental effort. Going through this has been emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, traumatic.

I’m trying so hard, to let go of the idea that it could have or should have ended any differently.