a letter.

Since you didn’t want to ask me personally, 

I am okay. I have good days and bad days, but, overall, I'm doing great.

I have good days, where I think about my future without feeling guilty that you're no longer in it.   

I have work, I'm working out again, I'm eating again, I want to live and go out and do things again. I’m working on my book and looking into some online schools. Life seems bright again. 

But, I do have those bad days still. The days where, I realize that I don’t even remember what your voice sounds like, or how your hands feel on my skin. And it's strange to me, that you haven’t met my baby sister, or seen me with shorter hair, met my new friends, seen my new job.

So yes, I still think about you. Usually only on my bad days, but sometimes I see your smile in the sunrise and remember all those early mornings cleaning cars together and I remember you fondly. I think about us too, because I still see us in everything I do and everywhere I go; the sushi dates, the movie nights, the house sitting, and lunch with your parents.

Finding out you were seeing someone else, well, it did 2 things to me.

It crushed me and broke my heart all over again. But it also gave me some kind of closure I think I needed, I’ve finally come to see all the things I was blind to during our relationship, and the truth is, I loved you more than you ever loved me. That's quite evident now.

Knowing it took you less time to move on than you had always said it would, made me realize you’re quite the manipulator. You lied to me, to get what you wanted from me and honestly, that crushes me, too. Because I thought I knew who you were. I believed everything you told me. I thought I knew the boy I was falling for, the boy I was giving my all to. And it turns out, you were a better storyteller than I may ever be.

As for me, I never lied to you. I still couldn’t imagine talking to another guy the way I spoke to you and it’s been 3 months. Holding hands with someone else, telling someone else my secrets and my stories, introducing someone else to my parents. The whole thing makes my stomach twist and I know when the time is right I’ll be able to move on, I’ll be able to say yes and I’ll happily learn to love someone else.

But not yet. No. I’m not seeing or sleeping with anybody. There is no “someone else” and I’m not looking for another guy to temporarily validate me, I’m happy to be alone until a good person with better intentions comes along. I’m happy to be alone until I’m healed. There’s no roster, no “thank you, next” for me. And I am okay with that.

I guess, to sum up, everything I've been thinking and feeling for the last 3 months; fuck you. I would pray for your dreams to come true if I had any hope that those weren't lies, I would hope you’d found peace if I thought you were actually suffering like I’ve been- but I have no idea who you are now, or who you might have been all along. So, I can’t bring myself to hope and pray for you. 

But also, I love you, and I do wish you the very best in this life. And thank you.

Sincerely, your "better half" from a once upon a time

01/31/24